Dear Sens. Clinton and Obama: Save yourselves from surrogate hell. Fire your staffs and hire me.
To: Senator Hillary Clinton, Senator Barack Obama
From: Paul Fidalgo
RE: My humble services
Dear Sens. Clinton and Obama:
I understand it’s been a rough few months. I mean, both of you spent all that time in Iowa pretending to be fascinated by corn and having to touch dirty, dirty farmers, all the while thinking that it would all be over in a matter of weeks, if not days. Obviously, things have not gotten any easier. As sympathetic as I am to the rigors of the campaign kabuki dance (having to feign mutual friendship, holding roundtables with round people, enduring Jake Tapper’s ‘tude), I am most concerned about the psychological and financial punches to the gut you have been taking in the area of human resources.
To put it bluntly, you both have to keep firing people. (I mean, they decide on their own to "move on." Wink wink.) You pay ungodly sums to these giants in their respective fields, you raise them up upon your own shoulders to new heights of renown, and what happens? They call someone a nasty name, they make an uncouth racially-tinged remark, they meet with the wrong kind of people, or they murder Bill Richardson in his sleep. Oh wait, that one hasn’t happened yet. But senators, trust me, it will.
Neither of you can afford this. Senator Obama, you cannot afford it because the constant barrages will weaken you for the general election by attrition. Senator Clinton, you simply cannot afford it in the traditional monetary sense. If either of you wants to escape this primary season politically alive (and if you wish to see Gov. Richardson remain physically alive), I suggest you make a radical change to your campaign staff.
Hire me.
I know what you’re thinking. "You? I don’t even know who you are! And where is my wallet?"
Your wallets are perfectly safe, senators...for now. But let’s get back to me.
I propose, nay, strongly recommend...nay, insist...nay command...
Let me walk that back to "strongly recommend." I strongly recommend a fundamental change to your campaign structure. Obviously, having a large swath of smart, ambitious, enthusiastic advisers within your orbits has proven to be more liability than boon. You can’t do it all alone, but you can’t continue to allow every news cycle to be about which campaign operative has offended which race, religion, or species. The solution is to scrap your entire staff and hire me alone.
Yes, me, Paul Fidalgo, all by myself. It sounds crazy, but hear me out. I can serve as campaign manager (as I will be the only employee, management will become a breeze), chief strategist (you and I will simply chat about which demographic we’d like to placate that day over a breakfast nosh) and yes, even as chief pollster: by heading to local shopping establishments, I will have photoshopped images of each of you sitting in the Oval Office. As I approach subjects, I will simply administer the "optometrist poll" – displaying each picture one at a time asking, "Better like this, or better like this?"
Let’s not forget some other very important areas – as your new foreign policy adviser, though I will bring no expertise in foreign affairs, I will not compare your opponent to any unpleasing supernatural entities or blow your image of "a new kind of politics" (wink wink). Rather, I will be diplomatic, and more often liken him or her to more positive fictional creatures. Imagine with me this original career-killing article on Samantha Power’s gaffe from the Scotsman...
Earlier, clearly rattled by the Ohio defeat, Ms Power told The Scotsman Mrs Clinton was stopping at nothing to try to seize the lead from her candidate.
"We f***** up in Ohio," she admitted. "In Ohio, they are obsessed and Hillary is going to town on it, because she knows Ohio's the only place they can win.
"She is a monster, too – that is off the record – she is stooping to anything," Ms Power said, hastily trying to withdraw her remark.
...reading like this newly edited version:
Earlier, <span style="text-decoration:line-through;"><span>clearly rattled</span></span> oddly nonplussed by the Ohio defeat, <span style="text-decoration:line-through;"><span>Ms Power</span></span> Mr Fidalgo told The Scotsman Mrs Clinton was stopping at <span style="text-decoration:line-through;"><span>nothing</span></span> red lights to try to seize the lead from her candidate.
"We <span style="text-decoration:line-through;"><span>f***** up</span></span> enjoyed our time in Ohio," he admitted. "In Ohio, they are <span style="text-decoration:line-through;"><span>obsessed</span></span> adorable and Hillary is going to town on it, because she knows Ohio's the only place they can win at Trivial Pursuit.
"She is a <span style="text-decoration:line-through;"><span>monster</span></span> Easter Bunny, too – that is <span style="text-decoration:line-through;"><span>off</span></span> on the record – she is stooping to anything you may have dropped so you don’t lose it," <span style="text-decoration:line-through;"><span>Ms Power</span></span> Mr Fidalgo said, hastily trying to <span style="text-decoration:line-through;"><span>withdraw her remark</span></span> fix me a sandwich.
You see? This is just a meager sampling of the embarrassment of riches that await you for a fraction of a fraction of what you paid your former staffs.
But let’s get down to brass tax. How much do I want? Well, far be it for me to arrogantly assess my own monetary value, so I will tender my services to the highest bidder among you.
Just keep in mind, I know how much Mark Penn made, and I’m not stupid.
So, senators, I leave it to you. Continue wading through this revolting morass of surrogate hell, or hire me. The choice is yours.
Sincerely,
Paul Fidalgo
P.S. – In fairness, I should inform you that I have sent a version of this offer to Libertarian candidate Mike Gravel, peppered with paranoid rantings about space alien conspiracies and praise for long-form weirdness. I have also sent, more or less, this exact letter to Senator McCain, only in very large print.
* Bill Richardson was not harmed in the making of this blog post.
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Read more junk like this at Near Earth Object.