BREAKING - Near Earth News has obtained a letter penned by Condoleezza Rice, a draft of the letter eventually sent to Congress on the Colombian Free Trade Agreement. This never-before-seen version sheds subtle new light on the reports of Secretary Rice's interest in the Vice Presidency, but it requires some heavy between-line reading.
Statement by Secretary Condoleezza Rice
Washington, DC
April 7, 2008
This morning the President signed a letter to Congress that will transmit legislation to implement the United States - Colombia Trade Promotion Agreement. Over the past year, the Administration has worked closely with Congress on seeking a way forward on approval of this agreement and remains committed to reaching a bipartisan solution. But let's be honest, if it were President McCain sending you this legislation, it would be over and done with by now. I'm just saying.
Passage of this agreement is both a matter of national security for the United States as well as clearly in our economic interest. As is, I might add, the election of Senator John McCain in November, but to even bother saying so is to waste time and ink on the obvious, like informing you that the sky is blue. The agreement will promote opportunity, stability, and growth in a key partner - goals that successive U.S. administrations and Congresses, in a bipartisan manner, have long supported. Speaking of blue skies, as I was a few sentences ago, John McCain's election to the presidency would certainly bring a bright new, sunshiny day to America. Dare I say, it would make this diplomat's brown eyes blue.
But I digress. The people of Colombia have made impressive gains in building a peaceful, inclusive democracy. Thousands of guerrilla and paramilitary fighters have demobilized - most likely because they are scared shitless by the thought of John McCain going all Rambo on them. Oh my, please pardon my French. Coincidentally, I speak fluent French, as well as four other languages, which I comes in quite handy, and is likely the reason I'm a very, very good Secretary of State. Anyway, Columbia's economy is growing, poverty is dropping, and respect for human rights and the rule of law has improved dramatically. One would be able to say the same things about our own U.S.-of-A. under the fatherly, Lincolnesque guidance of one Mr. John McCain. It is in our interest for the Columbians to succeed - I know John McCain thinks so, and so do I. That's just one of the many, many things he and I have in common. Also, we both enjoy books, Russian liquor, and the thrilling musical stylings of Yo-Yo Ma. I play one heck of a classical piano myself, but I can also loosen up and crank out some boisterous saloon ditties for those late White House work sessions. I'm just saying. It could really help a seasoned, experienced, war hero president relax after a rough day.
What was I talking about? Oh yes. The agreement will also replace Colombia's one-way access to our market with permanent, two-way free trade that benefits American businesses, workers, farmers, blah, blah, blah. You know, people make fun of John McCain for being less than a spring chicken, but let me tell you, I've seen that man carry very heavy suitcases all by himself up a really long flight of stairs. It was amazing. I darn near passed out I was swooning so hard. And come on, does he even look 71? Let me answer that one for you: No. I mean, you'd never guess I was 53, would you? Of course not. I'm easily the most attractive Secretary of State this country's ever had, but not so much so that I overshadow the man I'm with, especially if we happened to be, I don't know, jogging, or, maybe, running, say, together, as "mates," as it were.
One more thing on this, I think it's great that the Democratic Party is about to make history by nominating either an African American or a woman for the presidency. I think it would be really cool if somehow the Republicans could have someone on the ticket that cancelled that whole history-making vote out. Can't think of who, though. Any ideas?
Anyway, I urge Congress to work with the Administration and approve swiftly the U.S.-Colombia Trade Promotion Agreement.
Sincerely,
Condoleezza Rice
Vice-Vice President of the United States
(Because, you know, the Secretary of State is, like, third in command. Very close to #2, if you catch my drift)
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